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In the endless search for authenticity,
We may look past
The answers
Right in front of us.

It glares unabashedly,
Daring us to submit.
The stuff of which stuff is made.
Still it lies, it needs not--
It simply waits.

We may resist,
Heads turned in fear
Of what we might lose,
Or what we might gain.

But alas. In giving in,
We choose life.
And what was once still,
We now witness expand.

No longer do we stand at odds.
The glare ceases, for now
We see through the same eyes.
The emptiness is filled.

Behold,
It is all real. It is all beautiful.

Everybody is a Star

I remember only one thing from elementary school social studies: When a pharaoh was mummified, they'd toss the brain but preserve the heart (at least I think it went that way).

Anyway, I think they were onto something.

To elaborate on my last post, I believe that truly living is learning to get in touch with your feelings. This is supplemented by thinking; however, at our core we know what we want and what is best for us. The more willing we are to take that risk and dare to be ourselves, the more fulfilling our lives will be.

I have long been an avid believer that we are born already knowing all that we need to know. Knowledge is attained through the mind, but wisdom comes from the heart. An open mind is nothing without the heart to match.

At some point, very early on, many of us lose this wisdom. Through our innocence and insecurity, we may relinquish our inner ideals in order to conform to our surroundings. Sir Ken Robinson gave an insightful TEDtalk relating to this here.

It seems that part of life is this challenge of learning followed by a progressive unlearning. In the U.S., capitalism teaches us that happiness and security come from outside ourselves. When you have, you will be happy. This has given way to a culture of materialism and instant gratification.

I am a firm believer that true happiness is about letting go, allowing ourselves to be happy, to love.

We actively hold onto things that make us cold, bitter, and unhappy. We build up a guard, and our hearts harden. The letting go process, passive as it might sound, is perhaps the most courageous thing we must do. It is a skill many of us forget, including myself.

When we harness this skill, we don't simply have motivation--we have passion. When we become comfortable taking that risk, getting in touch with our guts and opening our hearts, we learn to let ourselves be great.

Start now.

I Have Found.

When I started this blog in 2012, it was an attempt to learn more about the world and my place in it. It was an initiation into introspection and contemplation. Little did I know how much I would learn on this path, and the mysteries life had in store for me.

Two months ago, I thought I had found the meaning of life. Yes, at 26 I had discovered THE ultimate truth, THE universal theory of everything--what many have spent their wholes lives attempting to discover in vain. And I could prove it.

Yea, sounds pretty ridiculous. But that's where I was. I thought I could show everyone through logic, even perhaps through a mathematical proof, the undeniable epitome of our existence. This life epiphany at the time provided, albeit brief, joyous revelation. I couldn't fathom how short-lived it would be, nor how long the subsequent period of despair and anxiety.

I have found.

I have indeed found--not ultimate truth, but a real truth about myself, and a major life lesson. The past two months have without a doubt been the most trying time of my entire life. I'm fairly certain I went crazy for about 3 weeks, as I realized how laughable my epiphany was. I always aim to remain thankful for the challenges life hands me, and I am particularly grateful for this one. Here are 3 things I have learned from it:

1. Practice positivity. This is a tremendous skill. No matter how bad things may seem, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You must simply believe it. Imagine it, and it will be.

2. Logic and rational thinking are essential tools, but can only take you so far. At some point, you must FEEL. This is my vice, and is my next life venture. We can attempt to describe with words, diagrams, and numbers the wonders of this life, but nothing beats the actual EXPERIENCE. It's about quieting the mind and opening your heart to the irrational, the miraculous, and diving in headfirst with the risk of drowning. The fortitude and fulfillment this brings is invaluable. In a culture where we are constantly looking toward the future, it is easy to lose our spontaneity and ability to live in and fully enjoy the present. Perhaps Ms. Frizzle said it best, "Take chances. Get messy. Make mistakes!"

3. Retain an open mind to avoid a rude awakening. My experience was very humbling. There is much at work in this universe we don't understand. A healthy skepticism keeps us grounded, but if you can adapt and roll with the punches, no challenge is too much to bear.

The mind is a beautiful thing. It is malleable, and can be a source of joy or turmoil. Keep it healthy, and perhaps turn it off on occasion. In the words of our favorite sensitive rapper, "Don't think about it too much." There is a reason the guy in the statue above is stationary.

Perhaps it's time for a change.

Been a hard morning. Last night I was with friends, discussing the meaning of the Zimmerman trial with heavy hearts and rage before a Saturday night out. I tried to stay level headed and keep my friends the same. "You can't be surprised. This is just the status quo. Don't generalize. You can't live your life harboring anger," I said.

But this morning...

After reading the status updates on facebook, it was hard to hold back the tears. My bhuddist-influenced, carefree attitude left and gave way to a grave sadness that deepened as I read and continued, for hours, to barrage my soul with reminders of how messed up a country we live in. If any of you reading think justice was served here, that race was not an influence in this trial or the event being tried, that we live in a post-racial society; man, just sit down and shut the hell up.

Listen.

One lesson that we are forced to learn as we grow up is that we are always wrong. No matter how right we might think we are, we are always wrong when someone challenges us on our ideals. Truth is relative, and until you attempt to see the world by stepping into someone else's shoes, you will forever remain ignorant.

It is hard to have faith in others when prejudices cloud your judgment. But one thing remains true, and must be true if we are to believe that progress awaits us on this earth: we all come from the same stock. We are all human, and we have made it this far on the evolutionary ladder because we have the same needs. We need to challenge ourselves to believe in one another. And in order to do that, we need to challenge and believe in ourselves.

It became glaringly obvious to me last night that, as much as we might try to ignore, deny, or conceal them; there exists severe, ugly prejudices in every single one of us. And they will remain there, continually influencing our psyche and our decisions, until we confront and destroy them. 

Perhaps instead of trying to find blame in others and find external solutions, we can all decide to make ourselves the solution. If the world were just filled with better people.. I mean, just imagine that. It may sound idealistic, but how truly simple is it to recognize that the greatest responsibility you have is to yourself? EVERYone can do that.

Stop reacting. Stop basing your actions and opinions on others. Be the action. Make the conscious effort to make yourself better. Run away from yourself, and we all suffer.

My Experience on Death Row

Troy Davis was just killed 8 minutes before I wrote this sentence.

I know it's been a while since I've written on this thing.. but tonight I felt compelled to do so. Bear with me; this post is being written on pure impulse and emotion.

I tweeted a little while ago that I couldn't imagine being Troy Davis tonight, as he waited on the Supreme Court decision, and then on his impending execution. The truth is, as odd as it may sound, I think I know exactly how he felt.

I had a dream a month or two back that made tonight's events seem like deja vu: I was with some college friends, hanging out late at night, when we encountered some 'troublemakers' on the way home. Long story short.. they stepped to us with weapons, and we defended ourselves with weapons, killing two of them. We had a very speedy trial (or lack thereof, I don't remember) and were convicted of murder and sentenced to receive the death penalty within the next few days.

My friends and I were educated brothers, with an extensive support base that had our back. Although I was in shock that we were on death row, I thought to myself there must be some way out of this. And I'll find it, with the help of my family and friends. There was just no way I could die this soon, this young, and with so much potential to do good in this world. We tried an appeal; it made the news, but it was to no avail. Instead, execution day came swiftly, and we were moments away from meeting our fate. And that's when it hit me.

I was going to die.

I remember looking at one of my friends who was waiting outside the death chamber, surrounded by his crying family. He would go before I would. We gave each other a last, long look, as if to tell each other to be strong when we were both noticeably terrified. In those moments, they were executing a couple of boys.. not the men they thought we were. I was in disbelief that a split-second, thoughtless decision could lead to such an ultimate outcome as this. I was furious at myself for having made the decision, but even more furious at the system for what I considered to be it simply making an example of me and my friends. And lastly, I trembled with fear and even more anger, knowing that my life was in someone else's hands and would soon end, even though I was not yet ready.

Someone determined that my life was not worth living.. I was expendable. And I had no choice in the matter. No way to fight against this outcome.

I was going to die... ... ... Soon.

I was going to die.

That was some heavy shit. Thank goodness I woke up at this point, though the dream felt so real, the feelings lingered throughout the next week.

Why do we still have the death penalty? How is there a double standard for murder, the most serious offense against the law? It baffles me beyond belief.

R. I. P. Troy Davis, and all others killed in the name of justice.

Gone Studyin'

I apologize for the lack of posts over the last month and a half.. There has certainly not been a lack of things to write about, just simply a lack of time to write it.

Work kicked into high gear about a month ago. I am part of a research team working on a project assessing community based approaches to treating high blood pressure and colon cancer among Black men. After abysmal subpar numbers for the first 9 months of the study, we came under fire from the Center for Disease Control, and have since quadrupled the frequency of our recruiting events. Needless to say, my team's workload has gone through the roof; and if it weren't for the beloved gym, my sanity would have long gone out the window.

In the midst of all this, I've been studying for the MCAT. Informally at first, but I needed to pick up the pace, so I started Kaplan last week. My test date is June 16th.

So yea, blogging has been hard. Through my efforts since February, all I have are a few half-written posts. In fact, trying to fulfill everything on my bucket list of resolutions to the capacity I wanted has been, in a word, impossible. I hate that word with a passion, but I hate stress even more.

In short, I would like to say "So long.." to anyone who has been reading. It sucks that I have to take a break right when I feel I was getting the hang of this blogging thing. But that MCAT ain't gonna take itself. Who knows, maybe I'll feel inspired to write something here and there. Until then..

You can expect a post from me June 17th.

Adieu.

Burger King

Monday, I went to a screening in Harlem for the film "The Prep School Negro", a tale of one man's battle between two world: his poor Black roots, and the privileged white culture he envied and became accustomed to as a student at the Germantown Friends School. A great film; you can find out more about it here.

I went to the screening with two high school friends and a group of guys whose flag football team I joined this past fall. And while we only became acquainted a few months ago, in the short time that I've known these guys, I am happy to call them friends. One of them actually already blogged about this outing of ours, which you can read here. I'm unashamedly swagger jacking him right now with a post of my own.

What drew us all to this film was the fact that we were all people of color that went to prestigious prep schools ourselves, all eight of us. We knew the experience firsthand, a tale that often goes untold or misunderstood, but was all too real for us.

Anyway, after watching this telling of our life stories, instead of staying for the question and answer session with the director that followed, one of us suggested that we grab a bite and discuss the film amongst ourselves. I thought that'd be a great idea in theory, but filtered the message as "Let's go eat and BS for a lil". I should have known better.

I was pretty compelled by the content of the film and wanted to meet the director, so I stayed behind to listen to a few questions and told everyone I'd meet up with them in a little bit. What struck me most about the film was how deep the director went into his personal life, the details of which were far from glamorous: He grew up without a father; his mother worked in a factory that his classmate's father owned; he lived with a mother and sister who not only did not understand his experience going through prep school--he believed at the time they did not sympathize with it either. Ouch.

He eventually did find a place where he felt he did belong, his "white family". He often visited and stayed with the family of one of his best friends from Germantown Friends. He found affection, acceptance, and self-esteem in this family, feelings he did not get from his own. And while some people would pull his Black card and call him a white boy or a sellout, who can blame him from going where he was happy?

Years later, however, he is making this film that confronts his regret for "losing his Blackness" and not developing a strong relationship with his immediate family. But was that really his fault? That being said, was it his family's fault? The school's?

I left the Q&A session after the 5th long-winded question, stomach grumbling, mouth watering, and ready to eat (...). I wondered at what fine establishment I would be meeting the other guys, when I got a text from my friend that said, "We're at Burger King on 125th". As I read the text, I thought to myself,

"Wow.. These are some real n*ggers. Burger King?"

So I walked my bougie ass past Sylvia's, Red Rooster, Lenox Lounge, Harlem Lanes, and other viable, classy venues, and entered the home of the Whopper to find an empty restaurant save the four tables my friends occupied, where they were having a serious round table discussion about the film. The debate was so intense, I dared not interrupt to say "hi" upon arrival. I just put my stuff down quietly and went to the register to order.

When I sat down, I didn't know I would be in for a two and a half hour conversation. But I chowed down on my jalapeno cheddar stuffed steakhouse, listening intently to comments on race, social pressures, and the struggle to belong. And amidst thoughts of "Got damn, this burger's good," I realized that the reason we could even have an impromptu conversation like this was because we had all been through the same experiences. It's the same reason I connected with these dudes so easily over the past few months. The only other people to whom I feel a natural affinity like this are fellow alumni of Prep for Prep.

We come from schools where Black people may number in the single digits. We'd be a minority in any other circle. We talk "white". It takes a long time to actually take pride in these traits. And while we tend to notice how much we might not fit in elsewhere, at this Burger King we fit in perfectly with each other. Yes, our small fraternity of prep school negroes.