My Experience on Death Row

Troy Davis was just killed 8 minutes before I wrote this sentence.

I know it's been a while since I've written on this thing.. but tonight I felt compelled to do so. Bear with me; this post is being written on pure impulse and emotion.

I tweeted a little while ago that I couldn't imagine being Troy Davis tonight, as he waited on the Supreme Court decision, and then on his impending execution. The truth is, as odd as it may sound, I think I know exactly how he felt.

I had a dream a month or two back that made tonight's events seem like deja vu: I was with some college friends, hanging out late at night, when we encountered some 'troublemakers' on the way home. Long story short.. they stepped to us with weapons, and we defended ourselves with weapons, killing two of them. We had a very speedy trial (or lack thereof, I don't remember) and were convicted of murder and sentenced to receive the death penalty within the next few days.

My friends and I were educated brothers, with an extensive support base that had our back. Although I was in shock that we were on death row, I thought to myself there must be some way out of this. And I'll find it, with the help of my family and friends. There was just no way I could die this soon, this young, and with so much potential to do good in this world. We tried an appeal; it made the news, but it was to no avail. Instead, execution day came swiftly, and we were moments away from meeting our fate. And that's when it hit me.

I was going to die.

I remember looking at one of my friends who was waiting outside the death chamber, surrounded by his crying family. He would go before I would. We gave each other a last, long look, as if to tell each other to be strong when we were both noticeably terrified. In those moments, they were executing a couple of boys.. not the men they thought we were. I was in disbelief that a split-second, thoughtless decision could lead to such an ultimate outcome as this. I was furious at myself for having made the decision, but even more furious at the system for what I considered to be it simply making an example of me and my friends. And lastly, I trembled with fear and even more anger, knowing that my life was in someone else's hands and would soon end, even though I was not yet ready.

Someone determined that my life was not worth living.. I was expendable. And I had no choice in the matter. No way to fight against this outcome.

I was going to die... ... ... Soon.

I was going to die.

That was some heavy shit. Thank goodness I woke up at this point, though the dream felt so real, the feelings lingered throughout the next week.

Why do we still have the death penalty? How is there a double standard for murder, the most serious offense against the law? It baffles me beyond belief.

R. I. P. Troy Davis, and all others killed in the name of justice.

Gone Studyin'

I apologize for the lack of posts over the last month and a half.. There has certainly not been a lack of things to write about, just simply a lack of time to write it.

Work kicked into high gear about a month ago. I am part of a research team working on a project assessing community based approaches to treating high blood pressure and colon cancer among Black men. After abysmal subpar numbers for the first 9 months of the study, we came under fire from the Center for Disease Control, and have since quadrupled the frequency of our recruiting events. Needless to say, my team's workload has gone through the roof; and if it weren't for the beloved gym, my sanity would have long gone out the window.

In the midst of all this, I've been studying for the MCAT. Informally at first, but I needed to pick up the pace, so I started Kaplan last week. My test date is June 16th.

So yea, blogging has been hard. Through my efforts since February, all I have are a few half-written posts. In fact, trying to fulfill everything on my bucket list of resolutions to the capacity I wanted has been, in a word, impossible. I hate that word with a passion, but I hate stress even more.

In short, I would like to say "So long.." to anyone who has been reading. It sucks that I have to take a break right when I feel I was getting the hang of this blogging thing. But that MCAT ain't gonna take itself. Who knows, maybe I'll feel inspired to write something here and there. Until then..

You can expect a post from me June 17th.

Adieu.

Burger King

Monday, I went to a screening in Harlem for the film "The Prep School Negro", a tale of one man's battle between two world: his poor Black roots, and the privileged white culture he envied and became accustomed to as a student at the Germantown Friends School. A great film; you can find out more about it here.

I went to the screening with two high school friends and a group of guys whose flag football team I joined this past fall. And while we only became acquainted a few months ago, in the short time that I've known these guys, I am happy to call them friends. One of them actually already blogged about this outing of ours, which you can read here. I'm unashamedly swagger jacking him right now with a post of my own.

What drew us all to this film was the fact that we were all people of color that went to prestigious prep schools ourselves, all eight of us. We knew the experience firsthand, a tale that often goes untold or misunderstood, but was all too real for us.

Anyway, after watching this telling of our life stories, instead of staying for the question and answer session with the director that followed, one of us suggested that we grab a bite and discuss the film amongst ourselves. I thought that'd be a great idea in theory, but filtered the message as "Let's go eat and BS for a lil". I should have known better.

I was pretty compelled by the content of the film and wanted to meet the director, so I stayed behind to listen to a few questions and told everyone I'd meet up with them in a little bit. What struck me most about the film was how deep the director went into his personal life, the details of which were far from glamorous: He grew up without a father; his mother worked in a factory that his classmate's father owned; he lived with a mother and sister who not only did not understand his experience going through prep school--he believed at the time they did not sympathize with it either. Ouch.

He eventually did find a place where he felt he did belong, his "white family". He often visited and stayed with the family of one of his best friends from Germantown Friends. He found affection, acceptance, and self-esteem in this family, feelings he did not get from his own. And while some people would pull his Black card and call him a white boy or a sellout, who can blame him from going where he was happy?

Years later, however, he is making this film that confronts his regret for "losing his Blackness" and not developing a strong relationship with his immediate family. But was that really his fault? That being said, was it his family's fault? The school's?

I left the Q&A session after the 5th long-winded question, stomach grumbling, mouth watering, and ready to eat (...). I wondered at what fine establishment I would be meeting the other guys, when I got a text from my friend that said, "We're at Burger King on 125th". As I read the text, I thought to myself,

"Wow.. These are some real n*ggers. Burger King?"

So I walked my bougie ass past Sylvia's, Red Rooster, Lenox Lounge, Harlem Lanes, and other viable, classy venues, and entered the home of the Whopper to find an empty restaurant save the four tables my friends occupied, where they were having a serious round table discussion about the film. The debate was so intense, I dared not interrupt to say "hi" upon arrival. I just put my stuff down quietly and went to the register to order.

When I sat down, I didn't know I would be in for a two and a half hour conversation. But I chowed down on my jalapeno cheddar stuffed steakhouse, listening intently to comments on race, social pressures, and the struggle to belong. And amidst thoughts of "Got damn, this burger's good," I realized that the reason we could even have an impromptu conversation like this was because we had all been through the same experiences. It's the same reason I connected with these dudes so easily over the past few months. The only other people to whom I feel a natural affinity like this are fellow alumni of Prep for Prep.

We come from schools where Black people may number in the single digits. We'd be a minority in any other circle. We talk "white". It takes a long time to actually take pride in these traits. And while we tend to notice how much we might not fit in elsewhere, at this Burger King we fit in perfectly with each other. Yes, our small fraternity of prep school negroes.

New Year's Resolutions/Bucket List: Update

Ok.. I know it's been a while since my last post. But yea, I've been swamped--primarily trying to stay on track with all my new year's resolutions. Who knew it'd be so hard? (...)

With that said, I figured it was a good time to update y'all on how I've been doing with my resolutions thus far. Some are going pretty well. Others, not so much..

1. The usual: Eat healthy, exercise more, drink less, take more risks. I was doing so well with this when I started out.. but recently this has gone completely to shit. I'll be honest; I haven't hit the gym in like 3 weeks.. and I was going hard before.. getting my old form back on bench and squats.. feeling like I could run forever on the treadmill.. having to tighten my belt buckle another notch.. even had the 4-pack 6-pack coming back.. I mean, I was in full beast mode! But as the snow progressed, I started to replace that 6-pack with a 6-pack of a different variety, and in the process went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of weeks. And as I started focusing on the MCAT more, it's been pretty much a wrap for this effort... Not to mention that after staying those late nights at work to study, that McDonald's across the street looks like cooked crack.. and I'm the fiend.

2. Get my weight down to between 205-210 lbs: Yeaahhhhhhhh riiiiighttt.... See #1.

3. Start this blog (check): Just gotta keep it consistent. Harder than it sounds. It'd be nice if you bastards left some more comments though, lol.

4. Get a 40 on the MCAT: Ok, so I definitely am putting in work here, but there seriously just aren't enough hours in the day to study productively while trying to keep up with all these other promises. I'm realizing that I simply won't be able to work out as much as I would like AND study how I'd like at the same time. Seeing as I use the same time after work to do both, they are in direct conflict with each other. Ahh, priorities.

5. Read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and other books: I am about a third of the way through this book! I'll pat myself on the back for that one. As I get deeper into it, the content gets increasingly complex and harder to read. I've been wanting to post some excerpts but it's been hard to find any of suitable length that will do the ideas explored any real justice. I'll try and figure out a way soon. It's really fascinating so far though, and I highly recommend it to all. The Autobiography of Malcolm X (I know; feel free to revoke my Black card) is next on the reading list.. but I'll hold off on that until after I take the MCAT.

6. Date more: Unfortunately, dating just hasn't come up much for me in the past month. Perhaps for the best: I recently found a mugshot of the last girl I dated online. Dead ass. And let's be completely honest; women conflict with every one of these other goals I've laid out. If you need further clarification, please refer to the following proof.

7. Clean up my internet footprint: I have been pretty good on this. The biggest thing was clearing up that twitter comment, but somehow my twitter is still connected to my full name. Haven't figured out how to remedy that completely yet, but hopefully me and the internet can have a little heart to heart and work this thing out. At least I'm not the girl above...

8. Save money: This has actually been happening without my knowledge. I hadn't actively saved anything until this past week.. But then I heard I was getting an unexpectedly large tax refund since I was still a full-time student for much of last year. Needless to say, I immediately went to the bank on my lunch break the following day and opened up a savings account--and got a credit card while I was at it lol. Now, I direct deposit a portion of my check straight there so I'm not tempted to spend it. It's going to be a hard task seeing my paycheck decrease, but it's not like I wasn't flat broke just months ago. I should be able to handle it.

So yea, that's pretty much it.

I think writing these down again gives me a new determination to follow through with these plans. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can manage my time better, I'd appreciate it. It'd be nice to return to a manageable workout schedule so I could attempt to revert some of this blubber back to brawn, but if it's not in the cards.. so be it. I'll just wait a month or two.

In the mean time, stay tuned for "Humpday Honeys" tomorrow! --and a new series I'm starting soon, called "Reason vs. Faith". You won't be disappointed.

✌

The "Man Box"

Shouts to Mr. Nappington for the link.. This ish is real.

I was doing a training exercise for work last week, during which the facilitator said "With regards to your sex, do you feel more or less privileged in comparison to others?" Then all the participants were to move to either side of the room based on how they felt.

As I stood on the right side of the room with the more privileged group, I understood that I indeed had more "privilege" as a man in the U.S. than a member of the opposite sex. But I couldn't help but feel less "privileged" to be a man in the U.S. Being a man imposes certain constraints socially and emotionally, yet also imposes an expectation of certain attributes that are supposed to be imbued in us at birth.

I personally celebrate machismo, aggressiveness, brawn, pride, extroversion, and all the other things that red blooded American boys and men are supposed to have. I grew up on that stuff, watched it on TV. It's why I'm so competitive and love sports. But for me, there was always a time and place for that. So it's frustrating to constantly keep up a front, trying to be more of these traits than you actually care to. The insecurities this behavior can build are devastating, yet as men, we are never taught how to handle them. "Brush it off," they say. "Man up."

The definition of a man is evolving. Maybe in time, if men learn to confront their feelings instead of shying away from them, we can learn to be as productive with our lives as our female counterparts. Let's substitute the cell with a dorm room.

And shouts to Tony Porter, one of the few Black men I've seen on TEDtalks!

On Happiness...

I had some trouble writing this, and in fact rewrote this post several times. So I apologize for the delay. Let me know if it resonates with you or if it doesn't.

So it would be impossible for me to write one blog post on something like happiness and think that I have covered all that I feel on the topic. I do know that happiness will probably be a recurring theme in many of my posts though, and I'd like to posit a question or two about it.

Why is happiness so important?

It is so important that it was decided that it should be one of our three inalienable rights. Nothing should get in the way of our pursuit of happiness as citizens of the United States... in theory. It's funny because I actually think liberty, or freedom, encompasses our other two rights just fine: Freedom to live, freedom to pursue happiness; in short, freedom to do as we please. But I digress.

What does happiness mean to you?

To me, happiness can be the result of an experience: getting a new toy as a kid, new clothes, a car, graduating high school or college, getting married, etc. Happiness can also be a state of being, the level of which may be different for different people. For some, it may be loving everyday of your life. For others, it may have to do with merely being content. For others still, it may mean to just not be depressed.

How can we achieve happiness?

Happiness comes with a certain sense of fulfillment. There is personal fulfillment that brings us happiness, as well as fulfillment relative to others. For example, much of the things that contribute to our happiness as U.S. citizens do not contribute to the happiness of, say, the Dogon people. This is particularly important to me because I often feel we, as privileged U.S. citizens, impose our perceptions of happiness, based on our traditions and values, on people of other nations who have dissimilar traditions and values. However, I digress again.

We can see now that happiness can mean several things, and can be the result of passive as well as active events. What people are typically more concerned about is how to actively be happy: again the "pursuit" of this happiness.

I stated in my last post that I believe some sort of search awaits all of us at some point in our lives. We may go on multiple searches, and these searches may manifest themselves differently for different people. The object being sought could be concrete and material for some, a person maybe for others, or an idea, skill, or feeling for still more people. But it is our choice whether we want to take part in that search or not. By doing so, we advance our cognition and learn, whether it be about our surroundings, other people, or ourselves and our values and beliefs. Nonetheless, while in that search, we are in a state of want... a period of unrest.

It is not until we find what we are seeking that we can reap the happiness that comes with this fulfillment. It is that period between searches that perhaps we are indeed the happiest. When we are not concerned with learning. When we are confident in our knowledge. And perhaps more importantly, secure in our ignorance.

I believe this quality is what separates doers from thinkers. Productive people from the lethargic. The great from the mediocre.

Still, these are incomplete thoughts. I plan to revisit some of these ideas and claims, but for now, I'd like to know what you think.

Searching for Godot

New Title!

Took a long time to come up with, but I think this one better suits what I initially set out to achieve with this blog; namely, to facilitate dialogue on an array of topics that hopefully provoke deep thought about ourselves and the world around us (with humor and BS intertwined here and there of course).

"Searching for Godot" is an allusion to the play by Samuel Becket, Waiting for Godot. I couldn't use the actual title of the play itself as a URL because it was taken (-__-), but "searching" is more active than "waiting", and thus perhaps a better verb anyway. For a brief minute, I settled on the name "Searching for Zenn-La", with Zenn-La referring to the utopian home planet of Norrin Radd aka the Silver Surfer in the popular comic. But I decided to refrain from putting the official geek stamp on what may likely be a semi-geeky blog. (I thought it was kinda cool though..)

Aside from putting my ideas out there to the public, one of the primary purposes (if not THE primary purpose) of this blog is for me to learn more about myself and my beliefs... A little selfish I admit. Nonetheless, I invite others (YOU) to embark on this journey as well. In our society, we are often not permitted time for self-discovery. Instead, productivity and action are virtues that reign supreme. But sometimes, we need a time out.

I believe at some point we all are on some kind of search. I know I am. For what? I have no idea, and I probably won't know until I find it. If you have never searched, then perhaps you haven't learned enough yet to want to. That is not to say that you should learn more; you may likely be very happy, and I am probably jealous of you. But for those who have searched and have found, I can only imagine the peace they have attained.